Does you ever get the feeling that you are walking on a tight rope? The feeling that you are waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I promise you are not alone. Every time I get a headache or start feeling unwell I have to convince myself that I am not having another stroke. This isn’t even related solely to health but you need to not be restricted by your past in order to enjoy your future.
Your body is a really funny thing and it is hard to remember exactly what pain or sadness was like. All I can remember when I was having my stroke was that the pain in my head was something I had never experienced before. Yet I still can’t remember it to compare it to now ….. I wake up in the night occasionally feeling a bit agitated worrying when the next big one will come or every time you feel unwell or a bit confused over something, worry that another is on the way
I was asked recently “was this your first stroke?” I sat thinking how many was I supposed to have or what is the usual amount. You hear all the time about people who have had several and that in itself is a terrifying prospect. Hardly a day goes by where I’m not reminded about how badly my body let me down or what might happen in the future. People tell me all the time how well I have done and how they wouldn’t have guessed and they then go on to tell me about someone they know who wasn’t so ‘lucky. I know mine could have been worse and I’m often told “you should feel lucky”. That is an odd phrase isnt it. Am i really lucky? What I want to say is “I wish I was lucky and hadn’t have had one at all like you!” “I wish my body didn’t let me down all the time”.
I know I can’t change what has gone but one of the hardest things is to learn to trust my body again. You don’t know what is round that corner but there is no point worrying about what it might be.
I see people on a daily basis in my job who are worse off than me and I am very grateful for how I recovered. I genuinely think that the hardest part is not recovering physically but mentally accepting that this has happened to you and being able to move off that tight rope.
This is not by any means easy and 5 years on I still struggle to trust that every time I get a new pain or feel sick it’s not history repeating itself.
So what I am trying to say is that life is not meant to be easy but don’t live it being restricted to what you can’t do or what might happen. Yes, we don’t know what is round that corner but don’t waste life being paranoid or constantly worrying.
There is no shame in asking for help with this as there are a lot more people struggling than you could imagine. You only get one life so live it.